Numb
by Mari Grem
Summary: Do you know what it feels like to be numb? They do, they have been for so long all emotion feels foreign. They need someone to listen, to understand. Are you up to the challeng of sympathizing with the enemy? With the saviors?
1. Prologue

**Numb**

**A series of oneshots written by Maiden-of-Hope**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or anything belonging to the Harry Potter Universe. This will be the only disclaimer for the whole story. I will not be using this to make a profit, please do not sue.**

**Author's note: This is my other baby. "And after everything, you're still here," is my favorite. Please review, as I love this story and I want some decent reviews.**

**And now on with the Prologue**

**-Cole**

* * *

Do you know what it feels like to be numb? Do you understand what it's like to not be able to feel, and when you do feel it is so rare and so powerful it hurts? Do you comprehend how sad it is to only be able to feel pain, grief, anger, sorrow, hate, and lost loves? Do you know what it's like to thrive off memories? We do, we are the warriors of theSecond Wizarding War, and these are our stories. 


	2. Andromeda

I remember when we were little girls. I remember when Bella and Cissa used to look up to me, used to love me. I remember when things weren't black and white, good or bad. I remember when mum and dad used to love me, they really used to care. I remember, I can't stop my memories, but that is all that they are. They are simply memories nothing more. I can't have my Bella or my Cissa or my parents back.

My parents, I lost them first. Bella still loved me, as did Cissa. I remember Bella's first day on the train. Sirius was going with her, my favorite sister and my favorite cousin were going with me. It didn't matter that I would only have this bliss for three years, Sirius and Bella and I would be inseperable, or so I thought.

I was never a a perfect Black. I was a 'mudblood lover' as my mother so kindly put it. But I was smart, unlike Sirius, I knew how to play it off like I supported them until I was ready to leave. I was a Ravenclaw, yes, but I was also a Black. Bella was too, but she was perfect at it. She was sorted before Sirius, B always comes before S. She was sorted to Slytherin like a good little Black. And Sirius...

Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor. His parents almost disowned him and would have if I hadn't said something. Sirius and I became closer, Sirius made me feel, Sirius made me human. But as we became, closer Bella and I became farther apart. She no longer spoke to me, she no longer smiled. She was indifferent.

Three years later, the year of my graduation, Cissa came to school. She too was sorted into Slytherin, she too became a cold bitch. She got tight with Bella and her friends and they ignored me together. After graduation I left them, and Sirius followed three years after me, and I visited him often. We were the only family eachother had left, and I knew that we were the true Blacks. We would do honor to our names.

Bella killed me. She killed me first. She almost took my baby, Nymphadora was six at the time, but Bella left the child. Maybe she wanted Nymph to have a choice, maybe she wanted a good Black to live on. Whatever the reason, Nymphadora lived when I didn't.

The last words my sister ever said to me were, "I don't want to Andi, I don't want to. But you left me, you left me all alone."

I looked at her, my saphire eyes meeting her icey blue ones, "I didn't leave you, you bitch. You left me all alone. You went cold."

She looked at me, her eyes bore into mine, she was looking for something, she was looking for the love I still had for her, "I went cold because you stopped caring. Avada Kedavra."

My eyes went wide, but I was able to get one thing out, one last thing. I don't know if she heard it, but at times I like to believe she did, "I never stopped caring, nor did Sirius."

My eyes became lifeless then. I lost my husband a few years later, or maybe I gained him, it doesn't matter, he's dead. Many would hate a sister after that. But my family was brought up cold, I understood why she did it.

I don't think about them much, I force myself not to. I love them, I always will. I will always hate them though. I will always hate how they changed.

But I remember a time before I went numb. I remember a time before our last name meant anything. I remember a time when Reggie and Sirius and Cissa and Bella and I would play with eachother outside. I remember when the world was innocent and pure in the eyes of children. I remember a time when I truly loved my family, and that is why my heart has not frozen, because I can still remember love, even if I do not feel it.

* * *

Love it? Hate it? Please review!

-Cole


	3. Bellatrix

A/N: Okay, I know when I'm not loved. But honestly, I don't care. I'm poting my story here and there ain't shit you can do about it. Anyway, please review-Cole

* * *

I sit here in a cold room. I just killed another innocent. I just took another pure life, a life I am not worthy to take, not worthy to know. But that doesn't matter. Voldemort was bored, he wanted death. I did as I was told, I always have.

I sit here in a cold room and I think back to your childhood, back to the day my whole life changed.

_"You can do it, Bella, I know you can." Sirius says to me as he leaves my room. Tomorrow we leave for Hogwarts, tomorrow I get to see Dumbledore for the first time. Andi says that Dumbeldore is wonderful, I can't wait._

_I laid down and fell asleep, dreams rushing through my head. The next day I wake early and we go to the train station, hand in hand. Sirius gets a compartment next to mine and Andi's, there wasn't enough room in ours. The train ride lasts five hours, but finally we make it to Hogsmeade._

_I can't find Sirius, but no matter, I'll see him at the feast. I get into the boat and we row to shore._

_McGonagall calls my name, "Black, Bellatrix." I walk up the isle, my mask well in place. I look into Sirius eyes. He wants me to defy them, he wants me to be a Gryffindor. I look into his eyes, and I smile as the hat says 'Slytherin'. _

_Sirius looks at me dumbfounded, but I know deep down he understood. He knows that I couldn' defy my family. He can thought. He was just srted into Gryffindor. He looks at me one last time, a small kindness in his eyes, and then his face goes blank and he glares at me._

I let the tears fall gently, making sure not a sound is made. Noone has ever seen me cry, and I rarely do. But face it, Sirius is gone, the only person to ever believe in me is gone. And I killed him. I killed him because he was brave enough to do the one thing that I have always wanted to do. I hate him because he had freedom, because he was able to break free. I hate him because he could still feel, his heart could still break, something I couldn't do for the longest time.

But his death broke me, it broke me and I wanted to cry. To grab him, to beg his forgiveness. He say the pain in my eyes, and I hope he's forgiven me wherever he is now. I killed the one person I ever loved, the one person to ever make me feel anything. I killed him and I hate myself for it.

I can't do nothing about it. I can't go to Voldemort and say I quit. I can't go to Potter and beg his forgiveness. I don't have it in me. I'm a Black, always have been and always will be. I am not able to fight this, to over come it. And so I teased Potter instead of begging his forgiveness, I obey Voldemort instead of defying him, and I sit here in a stone cold room instead of doing anything about it.

I killed the only people to ever care about me. Sirius and Andromeda loved me, I was there best friend, the only one in the family that understood Sirius besides Andi, the only one Andi could confied in. Reggie was too black, he did everything he was told. And Cissa was too frozen. I was real thought, I felt and they loved me for it.

And I killed both of them. After killing Andromeda I ran to Sirius, I begged his forgiveness, I begged him to understand. And he held me and comforted me and then I left him. I left him because I didn't want him to get hurt, _I_ didn't want to get hurt. But after that we would write eachother until Sirius was thrown in Azkaban. At that moment, while the rest of the Death Eaters were mourning their lost leader, I mourned for my cousin. I mourned for the only person alive that ever loved me.

And now he's dead. Sirius is dead and I killed him. He is being mourn now, he is being mourn openly becasue his name has been cleared. There are so many nights when I want to kill Peter for sending my Sirius to hell on earth. There are so many nights when I wake up crying and my husband smiled his cold smile and tells me to go to sleep. He says that one of the strongest Death-Eaters alive should not cry, should not be weak. But doesn't he realize that I am weak? I am one of the weakest people you will ever hear of, because I can't leave, I can't say no. I can't do what is not expected of me.

Expectations, they're what got me ino this huge mess. Many people think that I was my father's second choice, that he would have chosen Andi to carry on the evil family crest, but those people are wrong. I was always my father's favorite. Mother had Cissa and father had me. Andi didn't need them, she had Sirius, and that was all she needed.

But yes, I was father's favorite child, the sun rose and set around me. I was favored, but I also had many expectations. I was expected to be top of my class, and I was, right after Lily, Potter, Lupin, Sirius, and Snape. I was expected to become friends with the right people, and I did. I was expected to carry on the Black tradition, I was expected to become a Death Eater and kill innocents. And I did. I did because I was weak, I am weak, and I always will be weak. I my be strong enough to withstand several Crucios, but I cannot follow my heart.

I never loved Lestrange, never once did I love my husband. My heart belonged to a man so much sweeter, kinder, a Slytherin that was still able to feel, still able to comprehend. My heart belonged to Severus Snape. I loved him more than anything in the world, and he loved me. He still does. He loves me enough to tell me that he is a spy, and that he wants to pick up where Sirius left off, he wants to fight for the Light. He still loves me and I still love him, and my heartbreaks for him everytime he comes to the meetings, everytime my name is called, "Bellatrix Hera Lestrange." My heartbreaks everytime I see his face, because I can't have him.

One day, after all of this is over, after Snape and I are dead in our graves, at that time we will be reunited, and I will smile a true smile and we will be with Sirius and Andi and their friends. And on that day all of the expectations of the human hell will fade away and I will be the Bellatrix I once was. I will be Sirius' black Bella. I will be Severus' Sweet Rose, and I will be with Andi, and we will be like the sisters we once were.

One day, when I am dead, none of this will matter anymore. One day I will be able to feel again, to love again, to _laugh_ again One day this will all be a memory. One day I will wake up and see that all of this was a dream. One day I will see Sirius and Andi again, I will kiss Severus again. One day, but not now. For now I am Bellatrix Lestrange, woman warrior, and a icy block of numbness.


	4. Narcissa Dedicated to Naoko

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A/N: Naoko, you are the best, you deserve like twenty thousand awards. Everyone else, go to hell, but please review before you die-Cole**

* * *

I am the youngest sister, I am the image of perfection. I am fragile, beautiful, perfect, and noone would dare say otherwise. They wouldn't dare, but even if someone was brave enough to say that I am not perfect, they would know they were wrong. They would know that I am perfect. I have no feeling, I am all numb, lifeless, but I am perfect. I have the perfect black hair, my family's pride and glory, I have the perfect saphire eyes, the same eyes my cousin Regulus once had. I have the perfect snow white skin, and I am loved for it.

But I don't want to be perfect, I know that deep down in the bottom of my frozen heart tht there is something more to me. I remember a time when Reggie and me would play out in the sun, when there was no white and black, and everything was perfect. I remember a time when I was not perfect. And I want that time back, I want to be able to feel again. I haven't felt anything in so long. Lucius can't make me feel, not even Draco, my own son, not even he can make me feel. There are times, late at night when Lucius is away on business and I have the house to myself. And on thses nights I take out my wand and cry 'Crucio' over and over again. I cry it until my voice is too hoarse to speak, until my mouth bleeds and the pain envelopes me. I yell out the curse until the tears roll freely down my face, I just keep casting it and casting it, knowing that I can throw it off at will but letting it devour me. And I love the pain, I thrive off of it. I love the pain, the sorrow, because I _feel_ it. I feel the pain, the white hot fire, and I love it.

But then, then as I set the wand down and clean my wounds, I wonder about the pain, and I think, _What happens when the pain no longer hurts?_ And then I cry myself to sleep because I know that I can't loose the pain. I know that if I loose the pain the world will crash down upon me and nothing will matter, and I will live in a body with no soul. The pain keeps me alive, and I can't loose it because then I become like them. I become like my sister and husband and friends, those people who never feel, who find solitude in killing. And I know I could never kill, not because it is wrong, but because I am weak. I am so weak I can not even kill myself, if I can't take my own life, how could I possibly take anothers?

I allow myself to fall onto the bed, yes fall because the pain is still with me, and I cry the tears I refuse to shed. I know that I am weak, I am weak because I need to feel. And I know that I need to feel, I understand that I need to feel, but I don't want to feel. I don't want to because they don't. And if they don't than why do I? Why should I feel when they don't have to? I let the tears fall until my head is pounding and I have no tears left. And then I sit up and bring my knees to my chest and say, 'If anyone hears me, if anyone can hear me, please take away my feeling, because to feel is to hurt, and I don't wish to hurt, but I can't take away the pain." And then I fall asleep, but my last concious thoughts are, _When you can feel only pain, can you still truly feel?_


	5. Sirius

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter**

**A/N: I know, I haven't updated in forever, please don't kill me! -Cole**

* * *

Whe we were little we used to love eachother. That much is a fact, that much mut be made known. When we were younger we really did love eachother. When we were little and not even Andromeda was in Hogwarts, we loved eachother than. Even as we grew up we still loved eachother. Even when Andi was sorted into Ravenclaw we still loved eachother. Ravenclaw was below acceptable, but it was still passing in the House of Black. Hufflepuff wasn't, it most definately wasn't. And Gryffindor meant disownment.

We even loved eachother after my sorting though. You have to understand that even after I was placed in Gryffindor we still loved eachtoher. Bella would stare at me, call me the foulset of names, criticize every aspect of my life in public. But at night, after the rest of the castle was quiet and fast asleep, we would sneak out and meet eachother, her and Andi and I, and then Cissa when she came, followed by Reggie later on. We would sit in the deepest part of the kitchens, the part where noone else besides the houseelefs would venture. And we would share butterbeers and talk like nothing was different.

But slowly things changed. Andi left school and I was all alone. I was the only 'white' Black left, and it hurt me so much. After Andi left Bella and Cissa and Reggie became more wary towards me, they didn't want their parents to find out.

I lost Cissa first. She fell in love with Lucius, or so she believed. I knew she didn't love him, I could see it in her eyes, but she had convinced herself that she was meant for him. And so she picked up his views, but she remained indifferent. She no longer visited me but she didn't hate me either. She just...she just didn't care.

Reggie went next, I was broken when I lost him. He was my little brother, he meant so much to me. No he would have noone to protect, and I would have noone to protect. I would cringe inwardly everytime I heard his name. He was the perfect Black, but I know he didn't want to be.

Bella was the last to leave me, and she was the hardest. Next to Andi, Bella was my favorite cousin. They were my everything, without them I would have been totally lost.

Bella said goodbye in fifth year, the following summer I ran away. Bella came to me the night I had told her I was running. I knew she wouldn't tell my parents, I knew she wouldn't tell Reggie, and that is why I told her I was leaving. She looked up at me with those stone cold blue eyes, and I swear there were tears forming. I never knew that Bella could cry, I didn't think she had the emotional capacity to do so. But the day I left them she was crying. I looked at her, saphire eyes meeting ice blue, and I hugged her.

_"I love you Sirius," Bella stated as I put my arms around her. _

_"I love you too Bella," I replied, I didn't ever want to let go of her._

_"Do you have to leave me?" She whispered as I grabbed my trunk._

_"I'm not leaving you, we can still talk," I explained, a plea in my voice._

_"What if mum and father find out?" she asks, worridly._

_"They won't." I promise._

_"Where are you going?" Bella demanded, she was afraid, afraid for me and for herself. Now we would be completely alone in the world. Bella and I were best friends, and now we would never be bale to go back._

_"To the Potters," I replied as I pulled my chest over to the fireplace._

_"Good bye Sirius, I really will miss you," Bella said, tears flowing freely. I almost stopped, I almost turned back. My stone cold cousin was _crying!_ But I didn't._

_I gave her once last smile and said, "I'll miss you too, My black bella, I'll miss you too."_

We would write letters to eachother, Bella, Andi, and I. We continued this until the winter of Seventh year. Bella had been found with a letter from me. She was whipped and told if she was ever found conversing with that blood traitor again her parents would kill her.

So we stopped writting letters, but we didn't give up hope. We still met in secret, but even that came to an end. At the end of seventh year Bella was made a Death-Eater, and she couldn't stand me anymore.

I remember the day I found out about Reggie's death. Bella and Cissa had come to my door step, and they were about to leave a letter when I opened the door. I invited them in for tea, but they both smiled sadly and turned away. They couldn't let me know that they still loved me. Bella couldn't let me know that she still wanted our friendship.

I was invited to the funeral and I went. Andi, her husband, her little girl, and I stood off in the corner. Both Andi and I held black roses, they stood for the ignorance of being a black. After the funeral was ended, Andi and I laid the flowers on Reggie's tombstone, where they still lie today.

And then, and then Bella killed Andi. I couldn't believe it when Remus told me. I was in tears, how could my perfect cousin kill her own sister? Would she kill me too? Would I fall by her wand?

Bella found me that day, I don't know how, but she found me. She found me and she ran to me and even though I wanted to turn around, I wanted to scream at her, tell her she meant nothing to anyone, that she was scum, I couldn't. She kept saying over and over, I didn't want to Siri, I didn't want to. She was my sister. Sirius why did she die? Why did I kill her?"

I held her as the tears fell, I held her until she once again regained her composure. Then she smile at me and kissed my cheek and said, "I still love you Sirius. I know you never gave up on me." And then she walked away, a cold smirk planted perfectly on her face.

A year later I was thrown in Azkaban, and when I escaped Bella was a cold, heartless bitch and Cissa was an indifferent block of ice. But Tonks was perfect. She looked just like her mother when she was in her birth form. I loved Tonks, and I hope that she loved me too.

I was free, but I was dead inside. James was gone, Peter was a backstabbing traitor, and my Bella was the head of the Death Eaters. Remus felt much the same way and we would comfort eachother.

Bella once told me that I would always be a Black. She would say that no matter how far I ran, no matter how fast I moved, I would always be a Black at heart. She would even go as far as to say that I'm the worst type of Black, I'm the type of Black that pretends to give a damn when he knows that he doesn't. And she's right. She's always right. I am a Black, no matter how much I deny it. I try to be good, to care, but I don't. The death of muggleborns doesn't phase me, watching innocents die is cruel, I understand it, but I don't feel the pity, the sympathy towards them. I feel numb, I feel numb because I hate Darkness, but in the end, that's exactly what I am.

In Harry's fifth year I fought my cousin. I fought Bella to the death and I lost. I still remember her look of shock as I fell into the veil. I still remember her whispering my name. I still remember the tears glistening in her eyes. And at that moment I realized that she was not numb, and neither was I. We could still feel. I thought that James' death and Peter's betrayal had numbed me, iced me, but I was wrong.

I watched as Bella turned her back, grief-stricken tears welling up in her eyes. I know she still loves me, and I...I still love her. My black Bella. She and I were best friends at birth and sworn enemies at death, but she was always my favorite cousin, my best friend, even James didn't come close to her. She was always my best friend, and I was always hers.


	6. Pansy

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter**

**A/N: I no, no update in forever, but...oh well! PLease review-Cole**

* * *

Perfection. Cold, empty, hollow perfection. That is what I am. I am the coldest, numbest girl that will ever grace you with her presence. I can't help it, really, I was brought up this way. I can't help it, but I can hate it.

I hate the way I've become so icy, so hard, so emotionless. I hate the cold smirk I show to the world. I hate the mask I wear everyday. The mask that shows no pain, no happiness, nothing. It shows only the numbness, the only feeling I have left. I hate the expectations, the popularity, the royal treatment. But that is what I am, royalty. I am the Slytherin Ice Princess, just like the Slytherine girls before me. I can make the world stop for me if I wish, because I have everything. I have everything I ever wanted, but I don't want any of it.

I don't want the money or the fame. I don't want the friends, the followers. I don't want the expectations of perfect grades. I don't want to be cold and emotionless. I don't want to carry on the family tradition, to grow up to be just like my father, just like that bitch Bellatrix. I don't want to lie on my bed everynight, silently crying myself to sleep. I don't want to watch as people around me die, as I die. Because that is what is happening isn't it? I am dying. Ever so slowly I am loosing my free will, my breath, my heart, my very soul.

But I am used to this, all Slytherins go through it, all Slytherins loose their lives, their hearts, their very souls. They loose everything that ever made them real so by the time they leave this God forsakened school they will be as cold and as emotionless as their parents. They will become like ice, nothing makes them feel, nothing makes them thaw. Nothing except fire. But I have no fire.

I look at the cold, gray walls of my room and I think _Would I die for happiness?_ And I know the answer, the answer is Yes. I would die for happiness, I would die if it meant I could leave this place, this pain. I would die for a way out.

But it's not going to happen, so the most logical thing to do would be give up. And I sometimes feel as if I already have. I sometimes feel so numb, so emotionless that it doesn't matter anymore. But I know that that is not true. I know that I can still feel, I know that I still feel the pain, the pressure of being the Slytherin Ice Princess. And I know that Draco feels it too. But Draco is stronger than me, Draco will turn. He will join Potter and those light-loving fools. He will join them because he can change.

But I can't. I can't change and I know this. I will never be able to break away from my family, I will never be able to dissapoint my parents. I will never be able to fight the pressure the world lays on my shoulders every single day. I'm in too deep, I never knew how to swim against the current and now, the one time when someone is offering me a lifeboat. When Draco says, "Come with me Pansy, come with me and we can run away from this Hell." When I finally have a chance to get out, all I can do is smile and say, "I won't go with you, but I won't tell a soul. I want you to live, but I can't." And I give him one of my small sad smiles, the only smile I know how to make. And he looks at me with pain in his eyes, with longing, with need. But he turns away, he turns away because he know it's true. I _am_ too far gone, I'm so far that not even he can save me. He could have once, when I first came here, but that chance is gone now. And so I smile another small, sad smile and walk up the stoney stair and into my room.

Then Millicent comes and tells me to get ready, she tells me that classes start in an hour. And I look up at her and glare, I glare becasue I've become so numb that I just don't care anymore. I've lost Draco, I've lost the only person I ever loved, the only person who ever loved me back. I let the tears slide slowly down my face. Soft, silver tears. And then I get up and pull on my robe. I style my perfect midnight black hair, I stare into the mirror, into my ice blue eyes, and I cry. I cry and cry because I know that this is what is left of me, this is all I am and all I will ever be. And this pains me, it pains me because I want more, I want so much more.

But the tears soon run dry, they run dry because Slytherins aren't supposed to feel but when they do it's always short, powerful episodes. And so I wipe my eyes and put on my best icy glare, then I walk down the stairs, head held high, and I face another day. I show the world a superior smirk, but inside I'm screaming, inside I feel worthless.

Inside, I know all hope is gone.


	7. Draco

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.**

**A/N: Okay, I know I made Bella like Snape, but my true ship is Narcissa/Snape, just figured I'd clear that up. Thanks for the review Naoki you're the best-Cole**

* * *

I have never known love, never. My parents do not love me, my friends, no one. Only Pansy loves me, but her love has made me love. For love begets love and Pansy's love melted my heart. I loved Pansy, I still do. She has denounced my offer of freedom, but I still love her. I love her perfect smile, her perfect midnight hair, her perfect crystal eyes. But more than that, I love how she can still feel. I love her true smiles, I love her eyes when they light up, I even love her tears as sick as that may sound. I love her tears because in order to cry you must feel, and when she cries I know that she feels, and I love her for it.

I know that I seem numb, lifeless, cold. I understand that many say my heart will never melt, that I am simply a body with no soul, a vampire. But they are wrong. I am not numb, I feel happiness, joy, fear, anger, and pain. My heart has melted, I fell in love with Pansy, we didn't think it was possible, but somehow, we have found our other halves.

I am willing to give up everything if it means I can be free. I have lived in this hell for so long, I have fought these inner battles for eternity, and now I want out. I've always wanted out, but now it is urgent, if I don't leave now I will be forever branded a Death Eater. And that can't happen, I won't let that happen. I will not be my father, I will be my uncle. I will be my Uncle Sirius reborn, but I will not die as he did. I will live and I will fight and I will make sure that the world does not crumble around me. Because for so long I have watched as the world slowly falls apart, for so long I have feigned indifference. And I can't do that anymore.

I know the world may shun me because I constantly degrade and criticize their beloved Golden Boy. I understand that most of his friends hate me for it. But I also understand that he doesn't. I see the sparks in his eyes whenever we fight, whether it be physically, magically, or verbally. I see the gratitude in his demeanor, he's happy that someone isn't asking him to save the world, he is eternally grateful to me because I offer a relief. I give him a chance to vent his anger and to feel human. No one else sees it but then again noone else is exactly like him. I am. I know that I am exactly like the boy who lived. I know that I go through the same pain, the same misery. I know that he is being smothered with his responsibilities, the pressure the world has put upon his shoulders. I know his pressure, because I have felt it too. In a way, I am Voldemort's Harry Potter. But unlike Harry I'v found a way to break free. Harry's been looking for a way out since he was eleven and he's never found one. But I have a way out, and I'm going to take it.

You may think that I am the heartless Prince of Slytherin they make me out to be, but you are so very wrong. I laugh and I cry just like everyone else does. I am not as far gone as many believe. I've lived with chains bound tightly around me for too long. I am going to break free.


	8. Harry

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter**

**A/N: Last chapter for a while, I need to type more up, and I'm not sure if I'll have the chance. Please review!-Cole**

* * *

I am their Golden Boy. I don't know why, I mean most of them don't even know about that damnned prophecy, and those that do don't seem to care overly much. They just put me on a pedestal, they shudder if I cower, they bow before me as I walk, but they do not care about me. They never have and the never will. I could go off and die the next day, and they wouldn't be fazed as long as I took Voldemort with me. They would make a big show of grieving, but they wouldn't care.

To them I am but a weapon, a secret that must be wisely kept and wisely used. To them I am simply a means of escaping the terrible fate of pain, of misery, of suffering. But they do not realize that I am living that fate. My life has been an ongoing series of pain. I have felt nothing but misery since the day of my parents' death. I have suffered beyond the understanding of the human mind.

But they do not see that, they see only what they want. They wear blinders like horses. They see only what is meant for them to see, they see only what will keep them innocent. To see more would throw them off course, to see more would set them free. And they do not want to be free, they enjoy the restarints of society. They do not want to feel real pain, and without feeling real suffering, they will never know true happiness.

Do I know true happiness? Sometimes I believe I do. When I met Sirius and Lupin, I thought I knew true happiness. When Cho and I started going out, I thought I knew true happiness. But that's not true. The only time I ever remember true happiness is when Luna said she loved me. That is the only time I knew true happiness. Why? Why did I not know true happiness when I met Lupin and Sirius? Because true happiness can not be taken away. Sirius has been taken away from me, but Luna's love cannot be. For love can withstand death. That much I know to be true.

But nobody sees me, not even Luna. Yes, I do admit that she has seen more of me than others. I do admit that I show her peices of the real me. But I would never show her my pain, my hatred, although she asks me of it repeatedly. One day I might tell her, but not now. I couldn't. I couldn't put her through my pain. I couldn't let he feel my anxiousness, know my fear. I couldn't tell her that I am slowly killing myself. I couldn't. Because I couldn't kill her. I love her and therefore I cannot kill her, and if she knew my pain. If she knew even a part of it. She would die.

I mostly feel like a hollow shell. I no longer allow myself to grieve for my lost parents, for Sirius, or for Cedric. I do not allow myself to cry when the pressure becomes too much. I do not allow myself to show weakness. I do not allow myself to hope. Only with Luna do I feel anything at all. Only with Luna do I feel a spark of hope that we will survive this war, that things will get better. Only for Luna am I willing to feel, to dare to hope, to wish, to love. When I am without her and Ron and Hermione, when I am without them, and sometimes even when I am with them, I fell empty, hollow, numb. I pretend to be happy, to be ready to fight, to kill, but I know I am not ready. I know that Hermione, Ginny, Ron, Neville and Luna, especially Luna, realize that I'm hiding my true self. And sometimes I talk to them. they know of the prophecy, they know I am afraid, they know my hope, my dreams, my visions. They know what lied within my heart, but they too hide me. They hide the true me from the world because they no longer care for the world either. They realize how cruel people are and they try to shelter me from life.

It's funny, many people would break down into sobs if ever they knew what I was thinking. It would not be out of pity for me, the human race lost its humanity years ago. No, it would be out of pity for themselves. If they knew that I spend hours awake at night contemplating ways of killing myself. If they understood how alone I really feel. If they could comprehend my pain, if they knew my burden. If they knew how heavy the weight of the world really is, they would break down. Because they wouldn't be able to take it. They wouldn't be able to take loosing their savior, their hope.

And so I won't let them, I can't. If they knew what I go through everytime one of them looks at me, everytime one of them whispers my name. If my friends understood that I know the only reason they are with me is because of my facade. If they knew the truth, if they knew about my impurity, they would drop me in a heartbeat.

But they will never know. They can't. They cannot know that their savior is in fact the cause of his own demise. Only Luna does not worship me like I am some sort of god, but that doesn't mean she has full faith in me. I wish, I wish just this once I could tell her that I can't do this. I wish I could not care when her eyes spark with hope everytime another Death eater falls in battle. I wish someone would understand.

But they don't see. They do not see my pain. They do not see my suffering. They do not see my fear. They do not see my misery. They do not see that I am unsure. They do not see that I can die. They do not see that I am human. They don't even see me.


End file.
